Struggle
by WanderingGhost
Summary: A little oneshot about Gren's time in prison, and shortly before Jupiter Jazz. Slightly Alternative Universe, but ohwell Give some feedback, and enjoy. Written for a friend of mine.


**Okay people, i really don't know why this disclaimer s...t is necessary considering this is a fan-site with fanworks, but ohwell... **

**I do not own Cowboy Bebop, nor Grencia-darling (shame) but-as i said - i like to write about him. The lyric quotes belongs to Within Temptation and Poets Of The Fall. It's written in Gren's point of wiev. Feedback is appreciated. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1:**

**Addiction**

"…**_Lost in the darkness… try to find your way home… I want to embrace you, and never let you go…_**

…_**Living in agony… Cause I just do not know… Where you are? **_

**_I'll find you somewhere… I'll keep on trying… until my dying day…"_**

"Another starry night… I hate them… All I can see is the ghosts of the past in these nights…. And Him… He's everywhere, haunting me in my dreams, and in my waking hours… I can't escape from him… I wish that someone could help me… I wish he was here… I love him… I know some others think I'm sick, or find this fact disgusting… They should go to hell… He should go to hell too… I'm here in this prison cell because of him… I'm lying here, awake on my bed, tossing and turning, and thinking of those long lost days…On those days we were one team… Comrades… This word has different meanings for people… It means the world for me…He was special…Special, like no other in my life… Yet he sold me out… He said that I'm a spy… Though he knew that I have nothing to do with the case…He framed me anyway…My thoughts are wandering around him again… This is the only thing that prevents me from hanging myself… I can hear the words what that pig warder, who tried to rape me multiple times would say when they find me…"He was a pretty boy, but his purple face is much less attractive…" … I rather think of Him…I can't sleep… I never sleep…I'll go insane…

… Someone whispers my name…I ignore him; I think it's just my ill imagination…Then he whispers again…I turn my head into his direction…It's the guy from the other cell…

He puts something in my hand…He says it will make me feel better…I don't say a word, only my inner self is laughing sarcastically. Maybe he's right…What would I lose? I take a look of the thing he put in my palm…small pink pills …They have no signs on them… My hand is lifting…I slowly open my mouth…I let my hand fall back to my lap…And I dream…I dream awake…It feels good…Nothing hurts anymore…I still see the stars...

Somewhere in a desert field he stands…He's calling my name…Worn grey clothes, and matted, shoulder length silver hair…Eyes, which like quicksilver, keep on staring at me…I feel his hands touching my face…It feels like warm summer wind on my skin… Then it's over…I'm crying…All nerves in my system shouts for the dream again…This keeps me alive…For weeks now…I'm still crying…He's not here, to comfort me…Only in my dreams…

…I don't want them to see me…They keep on staring at me…And it's getting worse…Little pills put a curse on me…I feel funny for days now…And I know why…I'm deformed…I have pretty little attachments on my body…Every woman would envy them…I'm afraid to take a shower…If I avoided them to hurt me, I wouldn't be able now… So, I play the deviant around here… Fortunately, they gave much bigger clothes than my size…So I can hide "them"… It's night again…Everything's silent and dark…I dream of him again…Awake…

Today I've got a visitor…He was staring at me like I were a ghost…Maybe he was right, I don't know…I don't know that I'm a boy or a girl anymore…Nor that I'm alive or dead…I've ran out of pills…I've ran out of dreams…All is left for me is the sickness…It hurts so much…My friend embraces me, and says everything will be all right…Yeah of course…It's much easier for him… I wipe out my hair from my face…My hands are shaking…Damned pink pills…I can't live without them…

**Chapter 2**

**Struggle**

"…_**Come feed the rain, 'cause I'm thirsty for your love… Dancing underneath the skies of lust…Yeah feed the rain, 'cause without your love my life is nothing but this carnival of rust…"**_

A few months passed…I'm not in prison anymore…I feel a bit better since…My friend truly loves me… He helped me escape, and followed me here; to the end of the universe…Into a godforsaken iceball…I like this place…

…He found some of them in my pocket again…Now I hear him yelling at me: "Gren, stop this shit! " … I go insane… I want to quit, but I can't…I die without the dreams…Or if don't die without them, I'll be killed by them…He throws them out…I don't care…I will get along somehow…

I can't take it anymore…My head wants to blow up…I'm alone in the flat…I know, he will be at work for long today…I dig up everything in the place, every place that could be able to hide something I need…But in vain…I take a look in the trash bin too…It's not there…He _really_ threw them out…I'm angry… I hate him…I hate everything…I'm sick and tired of the world…Then I feel something's terribly wrong with me…I feel sick…Days are passed in this way…My friend is still with me, caring for me, even when I got nuts, and tell him things, that not true…I send him away, but he stays every time I get into this hysterical state…I treat him really bad sometimes…But that person is not me…That guy is dying…It's so bad…But I want to quit doing it…He's here with me…He holds me tight, comforts me, even if I hurt him…I got really ill. The doctor said I won't last very long…A few years at best…That's all… I didn't tell him…I did hurt him so much already…I don't want to hurt him more…I stopped doing drugs… I can sleep at night now…And I don't want to dream anymore…Not awake…Just when I sleep…And I don't need anything to do it anymore…

**Chapter 3**

**Redemption**

"… _**All of my memories keep you near… The silent whispers… Silent tears…"**_

One year passed since I got out from prison, and I never think of those fiendish pills anymore. My appearance had changed drastically…If I stay silent, no one can tell that I am a man or a woman… I disguise myself, still pretending that nothing happened, and I'm still the same good old Grencia…Some people around here got to like me in some way…Thanks to my friend, my life has went back to normal, if I can say that…Though the rainclouds still hanging upon my head…No, I'm not afraid of death, that's not the point…There is a ghost, that still haunts me…I couldn't escape from one last addiction…

I want to see if he really betrayed me...

I want to get revenge…Somehow…

I successfully contacted him…He will come here…To this planet…

I have written a short note to my friend…I won't come back anymore...

But I will take him with me…And finally find my redemption…I don't know…I just hope…

_**The End…**_


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